My Ultra-Super Realistic New Years’ Resolutions

Every New Year comes and goes with resolutions that go un-resolved, so this year, I’m making a concentrated effort to achieve some goals I have had for a long time. In order to hold myself accountable, I’m posting them on here so, at the end of the year, I can see how far I’ve come and so can you. Let’s start with the most realistic:

  1. Become President

A lot of crazy stuff happened in 2015, so I found myself saying, “That wouldn’t happen if I were president.” For example:

  • They found water on Mars. Earth is 75% water, why do we need to go all the way to Mars?
  • Bill Cosby came out with a new show where he sexually assaults a few dozen women. Ugh. Does everything have to be about either sex or violence anymore? Go back to playing the loving dad and pushing pudding products the whole family can enjoy.
  • People got really mad about the plain red cup at Starbucks but no one got mad about Toby Keith’s song about red cups. As president, double standards will become a thing of the past.
  • Why are we talking about ISIS when we could be talking about Ariana Grande licking donuts and saying “I hate America.” No one will hate America when I’m president!
  • When I typed “top news stories of 2015” into Google, the number 13 result was “top 10 penis stories of 2015.” People are searching for that? Not with me as president! They’ll be searching for “top 10 president David Horning stories of 2016,” but there will only be one: “President David Horning creates world peace.”

2016 will be the year in which David Horning becomes the 45th president of the United States and put the “us” back in USA.

*Note: after posting it has come to my attention that the president has to be 35. So I would like to announce my New Years’ Resolution to become president in the year 2024.

       2. Lose weight

I’m so self-conscious about my body in front of babies, so my goal is to get back to the weight I was born to be by the time summer rolls around: eight pounds and one ounce. I want to walk into the baby pool area and have all of the jealous toddlers ask me, “How’d you do it?” so I can respond, “It’s a secret formula.” (Hint: it’s formula)

3. Invest in Property and Make a Passive Income

The other day while I was driving, I passed a tree farm and got to thinking, “I could make a killing off of that.” This year, I’m going to take all of the money in my savings and make an investment that is going to pay dividends for years to come: I’m going to buy a forest and put a tree farm sign in front of it. Just bring your own chainsaw (or axe, if that’s what you prefer), pick out the tree you want, and put the money in the lockbox at the entrance. I’ll be drinking 21 year-old scotch while wearing a smoking jacket in my study in no time.

4. Read more

Do you know how many books there are in the universe? I only own about 200 books and I’ve read almost all of them, but if I want to read every book, I’ll probably have to read about 1,000 a day. I’m going to take a speed reading class and sit at the library for 24 hours reading until I know everything there is to know about the universe; ours and the Star Wars one. That way I can:

5. Win at Jeopardy

Alex Trebek will be left speechless as I waltz my eight pound self out of that studio with the biggest payout ever given. Survey says: this guy wants to be a millionaire and can come on down to buy all the vowels he wants.

6. Have a torrid affair with Kate Upton

Do you know what happens when you win at Jeopardy? You get models. Role models, Model Ts, and, most importantly, supermodels. Every time Kate Upton posts a photo on Instagram, I know she’s looking directly at me saying, “David, all you have to do is win Jeopardy and we can make sweet love all over the midwestern United States.” I’m really good at reading subliminal messages in Instagram posts. Just wait until she sees my post diet bod.

7. Travel the midwestern United States

You know what you don’t hear about very much? Davenport, Iowa; the first stop on my tour of the midwest with my beautiful supermodel girlfriend Kate Upton by my side. As we sit on the banks of the mighty Mississippi, sipping on whiskey and watching the bald eagles mate, she’ll turn to me and ask for my hand in marriage, because she’s, “Always wanted to marry a future president.” Sensing her ulterior motives, I’ll decline and toss her into the river where I’ll:

8. Save Kate Upton from drowning

9. Marry Oprah

Oprah loves books, right? Then who better to marry than the guy who has read every one of them? She’ll hear about my bravery in saving a drowning Kate Upton and be smitten with me as soon as she feels my baby body against hers. Love at first sight. Our wedding will be set atop Mount Rushmore where President Obama delivers the sermon; the first time a sitting president has presided over the wedding of a future president. My 2016 story will be one for the ages, that is, until 2024, when I become president.

10. Get over my fear of spiders

Because gross.

What are your resolutions?

 

Plan to Expand

 

Imagine if you ate the same thing for dinner every night. Imagine chocolate and vanilla were the only two flavors of ice cream. Imagine if everyone wore the same clothes, lived by the same personal code, and listened to the same music; wouldn’t the world be great?? (I wish I could type in explicit sarcasm)

Think back to a time when you tried a new food that you were convinced you weren’t going to like; a time when chicken fingers, hamburgers, and Caesar salads were the outer limits of your food game. How did you feel when you were a dinner guest, went to a new restaurant without these stalwarts on the menu, or were offered a taste of scallops, sushi, or bok choy? For me, it was discomfort, a feeling of being judged, and, in essence, fear. Why? It’s just food, why does it elicit such negative emotions when we turn down the opportunity to try something new?

The beauty of life on Earth is that there are lots of choices. Our paths, from what we choose to eat for breakfast to our career, are not pre-determined or limited. To limit ourselves in any aspect is a compromise to the potential we have. Why do I believe this? Being open to new experiences falls in line with the law of the universe and the law of the universe reveals itself to us every single day, whether we realize it or not.

So What is the Law of the Universe?

The universe is made up of matter, all matter is made up of atoms, and all atoms are made up of energy. From organic beings like you, me, and your dog to stars, planets, and the empty space in between – everything contains atoms vibrating at some sort of frequency, thus creating energy. In the past century, astronomers have come to the conclusion that the universe is constantly expanding by observing distant galaxies actually moving away from us. This theory presents itself in biology through the theory of evolution. If a species has gone extinct, it is because it failed to grow, or expand, to adapt to its surroundings. To me, this theory explains the discomfort and other negative emotions that come from failure to broaden our horizons. Because everything is made up of energy, everything shares a connection to the universe, which means that the negative emotional response is our natural universal instinct trying to alert us that we are going against the law of the universe.

Focus on Expansion

Energy is always moving; vibrating at some frequency, so if you are not expanding in some way, by law, you are contracting, and contracting goes against the law of expansion. Notice those around you who are contracting: they aren’t genuinely happy, they come across as being selfish, and by taking away from the world around them, the world around them seems to be taking away from them. It’s the concept of “Live by the sword, die by the sword.” Taking away doesn’t expand us, but giving does. Getting doesn’t expand us, but growing does. Sitting idle doesn’t expand us, but learning by trying new things does. The energy we put out into the universe returns to us in kind, so by refusing to expand or stopping the expansion of others, our world can only contract.

There are opportunities to expand present in every single moment of our day. If we teach ourselves something new, try a new food, engage in a new experience, or help someone else expand, we are obeying the law of the universe. Our own personal expansion is limitless since there is no possible way to learn everything, so we can expand in any direction we choose. Consciously choose to expand your experience of life by doing something new every day. Follow a different route home, eat at a new restaurant, read a book or watch a documentary that teaches you how to grow, or complete one of your daily tasks in a way you haven’t tried before. Ask yourself “How can I expand today?” every morning, and, every evening, write down your expansion experience from that day. Doing this trains your mind to focus on expansion and you’ll notice all of the opportunities to grow, not only yourself, but others too.

Break away from the chicken finger life and embark on something new and exciting that fills you with the expansive feelings of joy, accomplishment, and giving. When you do this, you are following the laws of the universe and the universe will respond in kind. That’s the beauty of the world we live in is found in the fact that your path isn’t chosen for you. YOU make the choice on how you expand.

A Piece on Peace: The Gun, the Horn, and Bacon Hands

In this week’s blog, I wanted to take the opportunity to present some alternative perspectives on violence and some ideas on how we can create solutions focused on peace. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we were coming up with the right solutions, I would be writing about how to make delicious bourbon braised pork and the news would be filled with more stories about skateboarding bulldogs.

I’m not, and there are no bulldogs to be found, so that means it’s time to at least consider some new ways of thinking.

Solutions and change begin with different perspective. I wrote some humorous shorts accompanied by solution-oriented ways to think about problems. A maintained focus on problems eventually creates more problems while maintained focus on solutions can only create solutions. I use humor and my own observations, which are based on a combination of human history and our psychological tendencies, to break up problem-oriented thinking and replace it with solution-oriented thinking. I hope you enjoy and I would love to hear your thoughts on my ideas and how we can use them to promote peace on this planet we’ve been gifted. – David

(The following are excerpts taken from an article found on Upworthy)

Portland Pacifist Promotes Peace With Pistol

There have been more mass shootings in the United States so far this year than there have been days. Many people would consider this a problem, but a Portland inventor sees this as an opportunity for a solution.

Paul (who refuses to use a last name to identify himself) is a self-proclaimed pacifist and who has come up with a concept that, he believes, will solve the problem of gun violence; it’s called the Fun Gun, and he’s working on getting a patent.

“Essentially, when someone pulls a gun on you, you pull out the Fun Gun, aim it at them, and fire,” explained Paul.

“The subsequent explosion of confetti, flower petals, and little pieces of paper with hilarious improv suggestions will disarm your attacker and initiate a laugh-filled opportunity to make a new friend. As soon as they see the Fun Gun pointed at them, chances are, they’re going to shoot you a smile, put their own gun down, and join you in a joyful jaunt at the ATM. Everyone wins!”

“Hold up the hold up with the Fun Gun”

The Traffic Tantrum of the Pacifist Isn’t Much of a Tantrum at All

Weapons aren’t the only peace-promoting invention up Paul’s sleeve. According to him, he recently invented a horn that shouts, “Good try, but I know you’re a better driver than that; drive safely!” rather than the honk we’ve become accustomed to.

“The normal horn sounds so aggressive, so I went with something more conducive to safety and friendship,” offered Paul with a smile on his face.

“I call it the Helpful Honker because it offers a positive suggestion, rather than criticizing someone else’s mistakes. I want other people to hear ‘Hey, you have opportunity to grow as a driver,’ rather than ruin their day with the car version of ‘F YOU!’ When someone pulled out in front of me today, I honked my horn, and for the next five minutes I drove behind them, they didn’t pull out in front of anyone else. It really works!”

As Paul likes to say, “Stop Going Bonkers and Get Some Helpful Honkers!”

The Helpful Honker should be on store shelves by this time next year.

What’s the Point?

Most people in the world aren’t violent, but if we respond with violence to the few who try to violently exert themselves, we can only be met by resistance, or more violence. This law has constantly repeated itself throughout history. Violence cannot be solved with violence. Debt cannot be solved by spending money and creating more debt. Fire cannot be extinguished by more fire, no matter how much less fiery it is. So what will happen if we try to solve gun violence with more guns?

When we tell someone they’re wrong or that they shouldn’t behave a certain way, they focus on the negative, start to feel negatively, and then tend to search for and focus on all of the other negatives they can think of. We’re resisting them, which drives them to resist our resistance, and no one wins. We’re much better off complimenting someone on what they’re doing well, offering improvement suggestions like “Drive safely,” and giving them words of encouragement that can work to inspire them.  Instead of focusing on what they’re doing incorrectly, we subconsciously prompt them to focus on the opportunity to improve, which lifts their spirits, offers them a different perspective of themselves, and shows them they have some external support.

 

Bacon > Violence

When I was six, I wanted pistol-hands, but didn’t think about the consequences. If you’re thinking about replacing your hands with guns, consider replacing them with something completely different: bacon hands. Gun hands unintentionally turn handshakes into holdups. Bacon hands, on the other bacon hand, turn handshakes into friendships (and milkshakes into deliciousness).

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Why don’t we teach people that when they think a thought like, “Other people make me so angry! I want to shoot someone!” it isn’t very positive? Why don’t we teach people that we can rebut violent thoughts by simply interrupting and changing our thought patterns? “How else can I view the situation in a way that makes me and other people feel happy?” 0r “Bacon is delicious,” are more conducive to solution-seeking than, “I hate the lifestyle of these people and they need to die!” This way of thinking is focused on the problem (the fact that this person hates something about others), and can only create more problems.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard of a bacon-related mass shooting. If everyone shared bacon (or something else that promotes goodwill), I can guarantee fewer mass shootings and more mass huggings. What if we learned to use our thoughts to grow ourselves and contribute to the world? Our thoughts either work for or against us. If we learn to trace negative feelings back to thoughts, we’ll quickly understand how our thoughts work against us. If we examine these thoughts, explore thoughts that make us, and others, feel better, and think those thoughts, we can replace negative action with action that is more conducive to the well-being of ourselves and our world. Chances are, murderers aren’t thinking, “I want to bring joy to the lives of others today.” If we learn to replace constricting thoughts with thoughts that expand ourselves and others, we realize the level of control we have over our existence and can then experience the freedom of self; one of the most fulfilling joys of all… other than bacon hands.

In closing, some (definitely not fake) motivational quotes:

“He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak. Either that or the music is way too loud and he should turn it down so you can hear what he’s saying.” – Michel de Montaigne

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind… Unless we’re referring to eye transplants, which can make blind people see. Are eye transplants a thing yet? If not, I need to invent them before I die from an abdominal aortic aneurysm.” – Albert Einstein the day before he died