I Was Going to Post to My Blog, But…

…There’s a cat on my lap, and when there’s a cat on my lap, nothing gets done.

It’s not that like the cat pins me down and forbids me from typing, I just choose not to work when there’s a cat on my lap.

Then I blame it on the cat.

It’s definitely the cat’s fault that I didn’t type my 1,000 words today.

It’s not like I can type over him.

Every time I try to type, he attacks my fingers.

I’ve had to delete and re-type this line seven times for that reason.

There’s nothing I can do about this cat on my lap.

This is all on the cat.

I couldn’t go to the comedy show because of the cat.

I know I said I was going to come, and I know you were counting on me to perform, but when I sat down for seven seconds to check my email on my way out the door, guess what happened?

Cat. Lap.

And you can’t stand when there’s a cat on your lap because he needs to be pet.

Calm down! I know I ruined your show, and I’m sorry

I get that you’re mad. – I’d be mad too – but you didn’t have a cat on your lap.

If you did, that means you’d probably be at my house, which means you wouldn’t have gone to the show either, which means you have no room to talk.

And I couldn’t even answer the emails anyway!

There was a cat on my lap.

The cat found the cursor on my computer screen and I discovered that I’m distracted by cats chasing computer cursors.

I know there was a deadline, but I have a disease where I physically cannot focus on sending emails when there’s a cat on my lap.

It isn’t diagnosed.

I don’t have a doctor’s note.

Because I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office, since there was a cat on my lap, but that proves that it’s a real thing.

And it’s why I’m just now sending a time-sensitive email, three days too late.

Again, not my fault.

Blame Wright Catterson.

That’s not my cat’s name.

Or maybe it is.

I never asked.

I just gave him an arbitrary name without asking him what his actual name is.

I’ve actually been wanting to adopt a cat for forever because I have an overwhelming mice infestation, but I never got around to it.

There was a cat on my lap.

When there’s a cat on your lap, it makes it hard to adopt a cat in the first place.

Especially a cat who would rather chase a computer mouse instead of actual mice.

YOU try to get a cat when there’s a cat on your lap being hilarious.

You can’t, so as a result, you get mice.

This is how the world works when you have a cat on your lap.

Wait a minute…

If I need to get a cat, then how is there even a cat on my lap in the first place?

There is no cat.

…I don’t have a cat.

I’ve never even owned a cat.

I’m not even sure how to pronounce “cat.”

The only reason I know how to spell it is because Microsoft Word didn’t give it the red underline.

The only reason I know that cats even exist is from cat videos on Facebook.

Which means, it was never the cat at all… it was me the whole time.

What a twist!

But wait a minute… that means…

I was the one attacking my own fingers.

I wasn’t petting a cat, I was petting myself

I was the one spending hours chasing the cursor.

I’m the one named Wright Catterson!

IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!

And I was making excuses instead of doing what I needed to do to get what I want!

Oh man, what a waste of three months.

…And I blamed it all on that stupid cat that I made up…

That means I have reframe this with some new self-talk:

“What do I want?

What does it look like?

What am I telling myself that’s stopping me?

How is it stopping me?

What’s something new I can do?

What’s 1 action I can take to move me closer to what I want?

Now go do it, Wright Catterson!”

Do the same thing when you have a “cat” on your lap.

Because excuses don’t exist.

…And neither does my cat.

 

Enough Fighting! The Solution: Start From Common Ground

It seems like nowadays, there’s constant conflict with no end in sight between groups with opposing ideologies. “I’m right, you’re wrong” conversations based on judgment have overshadowed actual conversations focused on solutions, and enough is enough!
Instead of telling all of you fierce Democratic debaters and Republican retaliators that you’re wrong for your behavior, I’m here to present a solution.
In order to get anything done, it’s important to begin from a common origin – common ground, if you will – and the common ground is an issue I think we can all agree on: ambrosia salads need to be banished.
Forgotten.
Exiled to the annals of history.
And then those annals need to be burned.
If you disagree, you’re what’s wrong with the world today.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for some reason, we all have a distant relative who decides it’s a great idea to bring a bowl of fruit, marshmallows, and some sort of creamy, disgusting, dairy-based mixture to keep the party going.
This is why you’re a distant relative, Aunt Patty!
Really, have you ever been to a holiday potluck and thought, “Thank god someone brought the ambrosia!”? You haven’t!
It’s one of those foods that’s there, but you only take one tiny scoop so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Then people act surprised when there’s so much left over, and they try to pawn it off on everyone else.
“Take some home! There’s so much left over!”
There’s a reason: it looks like the after photo of what happens in a garbage disposal!

First of all, the name sounds like a skin condition – “Stop scratching! You’re making your ambrosia worse!” – but is actually more arrogant in origin.
It references the food of the Greek gods.
Point me to the immortal being who orders the ambrosia, because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.
Your ass is banished from Mount Olympus!

Ambrosia salad is what you make when you’re broke and all you have left is Del Monte fruit cocktail, Cool Whip, marshmallows, and the pecans you found in the back of the cupboard from last year’s Thanksgiving.
If I were starving to death and you offered me ambrosia, I’d take a heaping spoonful of death.
How this dish keeps appearing on tables at holiday gatherings is beyond me.
When my mom makes sweet potatoes, people ask her to make it again the next year.
When someone makes ambrosia salad, people ask them to never come back:
“Maybe go spend next year with the other side of the family.”
But alas, they’re back, and with a fresh bowl of vomit, completely ignoring the explicit context clue that no one even touched their heaping bowl of why white people need to check themselves last year.
Yet, there they are.
“Guess what I broooooought! Everyone’s favorite!”
This needs to end.
Now.
Democrats!
Republicans!
Heed my words: ambrosia salads need banned, and that’s something you can all reach across the aisle about.
If President Trump tweeted his disdain for the dish, it would be his most liked and least controversial tweet EVER.

I’m not saying that banning ambrosia salad is going to unite all sides on all issues, but starting from common ground and working towards solving other, more controversial issues is much more productive than starting from dissenting points of view.
If we admit that we share a perspective with even our most fervent of detractors, the stereotypes that come to mind when we think of our rivals dissipate, and we see the human behind the label.
Unless the human likes ambrosia salad, in which case I hope they get struck by lightning. Twice for good measure. Because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.

Let Loss Propel You Forward

In our lives, we experience love and loss – it’s inevitable. What isn’t inevitable is the growth that can come from even the worst of times. It isn’t about suppressing our emotions when something unexpected happens, it’s about leaning into those emotions and using the momentum to find ways to learn and grow from the loss. I’ve recently experienced loss, and I thought I would share what I’ve had to go through to become a better person because of it.

My JBL Bluetooth speaker is gone.
It wasn’t by my choice, although I suppose my choices led up to the moment it was taken from me.
And now I can’t get over this feeling of loss…
Of despair…
Of regret…
Sure, I could’ve left it locked away in the trunk of my car, but a speaker with that depth of sound quality deserves to be free, to experience the world as it was meant to be experienced.
It deserved to left on top of my car to experience the feeling of wind, the warmth of the sun, the chill of the rain.
Something that beautiful should never be locked away.
You were small, but your sound… your sound was enough to fill a room.
And you played it all without question… because music was your life.
I want to hear you sing again.
To tell jokes again.
Hell, I want you to turn off on your own when I need you during a presentation again – you had a real habit of doing that.
But you can’t.
I just… I just want to feel your cylindrical  shape in my hand again.
I want to be in one end of my house with you in the other, singing away, making it feel like you’re right beside me.
I want to see “JBL Flip 2” appear on my list of Bluetooth options and know that my Macbook will connect to you since you’re within range.
You were unlike any Bluetooth speaker I had ever owned, because I had never owned another Bluetooth speaker.
You were the one – it wasn’t supposed to end like this.
But you were taken.
Stolen.
Who knows where you are now, or if you’ll even get this, but I miss you.
I stopped listening to music altogether.
When I hear other speakers, they just make me think about what we had, and I weep.
Dad says I’ll be okay.
He says you were “just a speaker.”
To some, sure.
But to me, you were more than “just a speaker.”
You were a part of my life.
And you know you never forget your first.
It’ll take time.
I’m not ready to get out there and try other speakers, so I just ordered a cheap Chinese replacement.
My mail order speaker should be arriving soon, but it won’t be the same.
I hope I’ll learn to listen again – and soon.
Listen, I know I’m better because of you and I should focus on that.
What you taught me in all of those audiobooks and podcasts… you’ve made me grow.
I learned so goddamn much from you, and for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
You’ll live on through me.
And together, with my new Chinese partner, our story will be told, and the world will be better because you were in it.

I’ll make sure of it.

My Ultra-Super Realistic New Years’ Resolutions

Every New Year comes and goes with resolutions that go un-resolved, so this year, I’m making a concentrated effort to achieve some goals I have had for a long time. In order to hold myself accountable, I’m posting them on here so, at the end of the year, I can see how far I’ve come and so can you. Let’s start with the most realistic:

  1. Become President

A lot of crazy stuff happened in 2015, so I found myself saying, “That wouldn’t happen if I were president.” For example:

  • They found water on Mars. Earth is 75% water, why do we need to go all the way to Mars?
  • Bill Cosby came out with a new show where he sexually assaults a few dozen women. Ugh. Does everything have to be about either sex or violence anymore? Go back to playing the loving dad and pushing pudding products the whole family can enjoy.
  • People got really mad about the plain red cup at Starbucks but no one got mad about Toby Keith’s song about red cups. As president, double standards will become a thing of the past.
  • Why are we talking about ISIS when we could be talking about Ariana Grande licking donuts and saying “I hate America.” No one will hate America when I’m president!
  • When I typed “top news stories of 2015” into Google, the number 13 result was “top 10 penis stories of 2015.” People are searching for that? Not with me as president! They’ll be searching for “top 10 president David Horning stories of 2016,” but there will only be one: “President David Horning creates world peace.”

2016 will be the year in which David Horning becomes the 45th president of the United States and put the “us” back in USA.

*Note: after posting it has come to my attention that the president has to be 35. So I would like to announce my New Years’ Resolution to become president in the year 2024.

       2. Lose weight

I’m so self-conscious about my body in front of babies, so my goal is to get back to the weight I was born to be by the time summer rolls around: eight pounds and one ounce. I want to walk into the baby pool area and have all of the jealous toddlers ask me, “How’d you do it?” so I can respond, “It’s a secret formula.” (Hint: it’s formula)

3. Invest in Property and Make a Passive Income

The other day while I was driving, I passed a tree farm and got to thinking, “I could make a killing off of that.” This year, I’m going to take all of the money in my savings and make an investment that is going to pay dividends for years to come: I’m going to buy a forest and put a tree farm sign in front of it. Just bring your own chainsaw (or axe, if that’s what you prefer), pick out the tree you want, and put the money in the lockbox at the entrance. I’ll be drinking 21 year-old scotch while wearing a smoking jacket in my study in no time.

4. Read more

Do you know how many books there are in the universe? I only own about 200 books and I’ve read almost all of them, but if I want to read every book, I’ll probably have to read about 1,000 a day. I’m going to take a speed reading class and sit at the library for 24 hours reading until I know everything there is to know about the universe; ours and the Star Wars one. That way I can:

5. Win at Jeopardy

Alex Trebek will be left speechless as I waltz my eight pound self out of that studio with the biggest payout ever given. Survey says: this guy wants to be a millionaire and can come on down to buy all the vowels he wants.

6. Have a torrid affair with Kate Upton

Do you know what happens when you win at Jeopardy? You get models. Role models, Model Ts, and, most importantly, supermodels. Every time Kate Upton posts a photo on Instagram, I know she’s looking directly at me saying, “David, all you have to do is win Jeopardy and we can make sweet love all over the midwestern United States.” I’m really good at reading subliminal messages in Instagram posts. Just wait until she sees my post diet bod.

7. Travel the midwestern United States

You know what you don’t hear about very much? Davenport, Iowa; the first stop on my tour of the midwest with my beautiful supermodel girlfriend Kate Upton by my side. As we sit on the banks of the mighty Mississippi, sipping on whiskey and watching the bald eagles mate, she’ll turn to me and ask for my hand in marriage, because she’s, “Always wanted to marry a future president.” Sensing her ulterior motives, I’ll decline and toss her into the river where I’ll:

8. Save Kate Upton from drowning

9. Marry Oprah

Oprah loves books, right? Then who better to marry than the guy who has read every one of them? She’ll hear about my bravery in saving a drowning Kate Upton and be smitten with me as soon as she feels my baby body against hers. Love at first sight. Our wedding will be set atop Mount Rushmore where President Obama delivers the sermon; the first time a sitting president has presided over the wedding of a future president. My 2016 story will be one for the ages, that is, until 2024, when I become president.

10. Get over my fear of spiders

Because gross.

What are your resolutions?

 

A Piece on Peace: The Gun, the Horn, and Bacon Hands

In this week’s blog, I wanted to take the opportunity to present some alternative perspectives on violence and some ideas on how we can create solutions focused on peace. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we were coming up with the right solutions, I would be writing about how to make delicious bourbon braised pork and the news would be filled with more stories about skateboarding bulldogs.

I’m not, and there are no bulldogs to be found, so that means it’s time to at least consider some new ways of thinking.

Solutions and change begin with different perspective. I wrote some humorous shorts accompanied by solution-oriented ways to think about problems. A maintained focus on problems eventually creates more problems while maintained focus on solutions can only create solutions. I use humor and my own observations, which are based on a combination of human history and our psychological tendencies, to break up problem-oriented thinking and replace it with solution-oriented thinking. I hope you enjoy and I would love to hear your thoughts on my ideas and how we can use them to promote peace on this planet we’ve been gifted. – David

(The following are excerpts taken from an article found on Upworthy)

Portland Pacifist Promotes Peace With Pistol

There have been more mass shootings in the United States so far this year than there have been days. Many people would consider this a problem, but a Portland inventor sees this as an opportunity for a solution.

Paul (who refuses to use a last name to identify himself) is a self-proclaimed pacifist and who has come up with a concept that, he believes, will solve the problem of gun violence; it’s called the Fun Gun, and he’s working on getting a patent.

“Essentially, when someone pulls a gun on you, you pull out the Fun Gun, aim it at them, and fire,” explained Paul.

“The subsequent explosion of confetti, flower petals, and little pieces of paper with hilarious improv suggestions will disarm your attacker and initiate a laugh-filled opportunity to make a new friend. As soon as they see the Fun Gun pointed at them, chances are, they’re going to shoot you a smile, put their own gun down, and join you in a joyful jaunt at the ATM. Everyone wins!”

“Hold up the hold up with the Fun Gun”

The Traffic Tantrum of the Pacifist Isn’t Much of a Tantrum at All

Weapons aren’t the only peace-promoting invention up Paul’s sleeve. According to him, he recently invented a horn that shouts, “Good try, but I know you’re a better driver than that; drive safely!” rather than the honk we’ve become accustomed to.

“The normal horn sounds so aggressive, so I went with something more conducive to safety and friendship,” offered Paul with a smile on his face.

“I call it the Helpful Honker because it offers a positive suggestion, rather than criticizing someone else’s mistakes. I want other people to hear ‘Hey, you have opportunity to grow as a driver,’ rather than ruin their day with the car version of ‘F YOU!’ When someone pulled out in front of me today, I honked my horn, and for the next five minutes I drove behind them, they didn’t pull out in front of anyone else. It really works!”

As Paul likes to say, “Stop Going Bonkers and Get Some Helpful Honkers!”

The Helpful Honker should be on store shelves by this time next year.

What’s the Point?

Most people in the world aren’t violent, but if we respond with violence to the few who try to violently exert themselves, we can only be met by resistance, or more violence. This law has constantly repeated itself throughout history. Violence cannot be solved with violence. Debt cannot be solved by spending money and creating more debt. Fire cannot be extinguished by more fire, no matter how much less fiery it is. So what will happen if we try to solve gun violence with more guns?

When we tell someone they’re wrong or that they shouldn’t behave a certain way, they focus on the negative, start to feel negatively, and then tend to search for and focus on all of the other negatives they can think of. We’re resisting them, which drives them to resist our resistance, and no one wins. We’re much better off complimenting someone on what they’re doing well, offering improvement suggestions like “Drive safely,” and giving them words of encouragement that can work to inspire them.  Instead of focusing on what they’re doing incorrectly, we subconsciously prompt them to focus on the opportunity to improve, which lifts their spirits, offers them a different perspective of themselves, and shows them they have some external support.

 

Bacon > Violence

When I was six, I wanted pistol-hands, but didn’t think about the consequences. If you’re thinking about replacing your hands with guns, consider replacing them with something completely different: bacon hands. Gun hands unintentionally turn handshakes into holdups. Bacon hands, on the other bacon hand, turn handshakes into friendships (and milkshakes into deliciousness).

Screen Shot 2015-12-02 at 5.10.24 PM

Why don’t we teach people that when they think a thought like, “Other people make me so angry! I want to shoot someone!” it isn’t very positive? Why don’t we teach people that we can rebut violent thoughts by simply interrupting and changing our thought patterns? “How else can I view the situation in a way that makes me and other people feel happy?” 0r “Bacon is delicious,” are more conducive to solution-seeking than, “I hate the lifestyle of these people and they need to die!” This way of thinking is focused on the problem (the fact that this person hates something about others), and can only create more problems.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard of a bacon-related mass shooting. If everyone shared bacon (or something else that promotes goodwill), I can guarantee fewer mass shootings and more mass huggings. What if we learned to use our thoughts to grow ourselves and contribute to the world? Our thoughts either work for or against us. If we learn to trace negative feelings back to thoughts, we’ll quickly understand how our thoughts work against us. If we examine these thoughts, explore thoughts that make us, and others, feel better, and think those thoughts, we can replace negative action with action that is more conducive to the well-being of ourselves and our world. Chances are, murderers aren’t thinking, “I want to bring joy to the lives of others today.” If we learn to replace constricting thoughts with thoughts that expand ourselves and others, we realize the level of control we have over our existence and can then experience the freedom of self; one of the most fulfilling joys of all… other than bacon hands.

In closing, some (definitely not fake) motivational quotes:

“He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak. Either that or the music is way too loud and he should turn it down so you can hear what he’s saying.” – Michel de Montaigne

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind… Unless we’re referring to eye transplants, which can make blind people see. Are eye transplants a thing yet? If not, I need to invent them before I die from an abdominal aortic aneurysm.” – Albert Einstein the day before he died