Humor and Grief: Putting the ‘FUN’ in Funerals

When a close relative of yours gets murdered, it shakes the foundation of your existence; it can send you on a downward spiral of depression, dependency, and regret. One of the toughest moments of my life was learning of the passing of my aunt, Kristie, at the hands of her own daughter – my cousin Taylor. I was lying in bed around 7 AM after a late night of shock and questioning reality – we had already known Kristie had been killed, but when we went to bed, we didn’t know the culprit – when my dad burst into my room with hate in his voice, declaring, “Taylor did it.”

My first thought was, “Christmas is going to be awkward this year.” I stopped myself from laughing: “This isn’t the time to make jokes.” The next few weeks were miserable – every day we learned more and more gruesome details about the murder. If you were to drive by our house, it would’ve been the one with the black cloud hovering above it. You always hear people say things like, “That kind of stuff happens on the news, it doesn’t happen to us,” so none of us really knew how to cope. We spend a lot of time together, consoling and comforting one another. In college at the time, I confronted my vulnerability by skipping two straight weeks of class – the only percentage I got was the .09 I blew into a breathalyzer. Needless to say, none of the family could find a way out of the black hole we were stuck in… until the funeral. That’s when I finally gave in to the humor of the whole situation.

During the eulogy, the minister said, “This is a celebration of life!” I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “celebration,” I think “party,” and not one person was partying. Besides, if you were to invite me to a party, then inform me it’s at a church, everyone would be crying, and the DJ would be bagpipes, I’d politely decline. And one more thing: he called it a “celebration of life…” with a dead body in the middle of the room – you couldn’t get more contradictory. That’s like having an open bar at a sobriety party. I had to laugh – and the moment I did, it was like a weight was lifted off of my chest. I began to notice even more incongruities: the first three letters in ‘funeral’ are ‘F-U-N,’ Kristie found joy in the happiness of others and, ironically enough, EVERYONE THERE WAS CRYING, and a stranger no one there had ever met sobbed uncontrollably into the microphone for five minutes, blubbering on about how he wished more people had known Kristie, while we wondered who the hell knew who that guy was.

In the face of tragedy was the moment I realized the power laughter has over our fears, stress, and sadness. But it shouldn’t come as such a shock: science has known this for some time now

A study from the University of Berkeley, bereaved widows and widowers able to laugh about their loss were observed to be happier, better equipped to deal with distress, and better socially adapted.

A study done at Kent State and reported in the American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Care revealed that humor was present in 85 percent of 132 observed nurse based visits. Amazingly, they found that 70 percent of the humor was initiated by the patient.

Humor provides us with relief, not by washing away bad feelings, but by activating them, along with positive ones, so that we can enjoy a complex emotional experience. Tragic circumstances are an effective breeding ground for humor because they provide the same release as horror movies, allowing the participants to confront their emotions head-on.       –Scott Weems (author of Ha! The Science of When We Laugh and Why)

How have you used humor in the face of tragedy? How have you helped others experiencing tragedy, trauma, or even just a bad day smile?

Each of us has had a “Christmas is going to be awkward this year,” lean into it and let yourself laugh.

 

How a Workplace Taboo Can Increase Employee Engagement and Productivity

“This is not the time nor the place to laugh.” “Why are you laughing when you should be working?” “Work is work. You’ll have time to play when you’re done.”

These should sound familiar to many of us, especially coming from the mouths of our managers and executives as a hearty guffaw is stifled before it can breathe life into the otherwise routine, stressful, and mundane workday.

Comedy and productivity are two things you probably don’t associate with one another, but believe it or not, the evidence is overwhelming:

Comedy (humor, to be more precise) in the workplace increases productivity, counteracts stress, builds trust, strengthens relationships, improves performance, builds leadership skills, engages employees, reduces sick days, enhances learning and memory, provides needed perspective in the face of failure, opens lines of communication, attracts great people, drives creativity, strengthens confidence, and transforms workplace culture into one centered around the well-being of others, making work meaningful, and a breeding ground for happiness.

So sure, make your work environment “humor free,” but eliminating light-heartedness from work is no laughing matter.

We have been entrenched in a culture of work focused on appeasing shareholders, reaching quotas, and meeting deadlines for as long as the humans on this planet have been alive – and even longer than that – so the “work-is-work” mentality is ingrained in our DNA. It’s no wonder a majority of workplaces don’t place very high value on the power of laughter – they have no idea of the benefits. It’s not like we learn about the numerous benefits of humor in the workplace, in college, or even at work trainings, so what I’m writing here might be news to you.

And that’s okay… but now, it’s time to do something.

Now, we’re entering an age where information is readily available at the click of a button, and study after study, poll after poll, and case after case show that positive laughter in the workplace is transformative. Now, we can find companies who have instituted humor programs, see the positive results, and figure out what works for our company. Now, we can finally feel great about letting loose and laughing a little, because even though our bosses don’t seem to value humor at work… well actually… they do:

  • A survey of 730 CEOs by Hodge Cronin and Associates found that 98% would rather hire someone with a good sense of humor than someone with a more serious demeanor.
  • 91% of executives in a Robert Hath International survey agreed that humor is important for career advancement, while 84% believe that people with a good sense of humor do a better job than their counterparts.

There are far too many positive side effects to continue to list, so I’ll let the following articles, books, and studies do the talking.

https://hbr.org/2018/11/the-benefits-of-laughing-in-the-office

https://hbr.org/2014/05/leading-with-humor

https://wol.iza.org/articles/are-happy-workers-more-productive/long

http://mentalfloss.com/article/564511/laughter-at-work-can-boost-productivity

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/laughing-at-work-can-actually-make-people-take-your-career-more-seriously-2018-11-20

http://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Publication%20Files/Bitterly%20Brooks%20Schweitzer%20JPSP%202016_54efbab5-2561-4408-b008-38d958e0ad50.pdf

http://apps.prsa.org/Intelligence/Tactics/Articles/view/11933/1143/Play_at_Work_Increasing_Communication_and_Producti#.XKG6dutKjOS

Improv:http://time.com/4357241/improv-lessons-success/

TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iFCm5ZokBI

Ha! The Science of When We Laugh and Why – Scott Weems

The Humor Advantage: Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way To the Bank – Michael Kerr

Work Rules!: Insights From Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead – Laszlo Bock

What are some ways you can infuse humor into your work?

Work isn’t the time or place to laugh, eh? Knowing what we know now, that’s damn funny.

I Was Going to Post to My Blog, But…

…There’s a cat on my lap, and when there’s a cat on my lap, nothing gets done.

It’s not that like the cat pins me down and forbids me from typing, I just choose not to work when there’s a cat on my lap.

Then I blame it on the cat.

It’s definitely the cat’s fault that I didn’t type my 1,000 words today.

It’s not like I can type over him.

Every time I try to type, he attacks my fingers.

I’ve had to delete and re-type this line seven times for that reason.

There’s nothing I can do about this cat on my lap.

This is all on the cat.

I couldn’t go to the comedy show because of the cat.

I know I said I was going to come, and I know you were counting on me to perform, but when I sat down for seven seconds to check my email on my way out the door, guess what happened?

Cat. Lap.

And you can’t stand when there’s a cat on your lap because he needs to be pet.

Calm down! I know I ruined your show, and I’m sorry

I get that you’re mad. – I’d be mad too – but you didn’t have a cat on your lap.

If you did, that means you’d probably be at my house, which means you wouldn’t have gone to the show either, which means you have no room to talk.

And I couldn’t even answer the emails anyway!

There was a cat on my lap.

The cat found the cursor on my computer screen and I discovered that I’m distracted by cats chasing computer cursors.

I know there was a deadline, but I have a disease where I physically cannot focus on sending emails when there’s a cat on my lap.

It isn’t diagnosed.

I don’t have a doctor’s note.

Because I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office, since there was a cat on my lap, but that proves that it’s a real thing.

And it’s why I’m just now sending a time-sensitive email, three days too late.

Again, not my fault.

Blame Wright Catterson.

That’s not my cat’s name.

Or maybe it is.

I never asked.

I just gave him an arbitrary name without asking him what his actual name is.

I’ve actually been wanting to adopt a cat for forever because I have an overwhelming mice infestation, but I never got around to it.

There was a cat on my lap.

When there’s a cat on your lap, it makes it hard to adopt a cat in the first place.

Especially a cat who would rather chase a computer mouse instead of actual mice.

YOU try to get a cat when there’s a cat on your lap being hilarious.

You can’t, so as a result, you get mice.

This is how the world works when you have a cat on your lap.

Wait a minute…

If I need to get a cat, then how is there even a cat on my lap in the first place?

There is no cat.

…I don’t have a cat.

I’ve never even owned a cat.

I’m not even sure how to pronounce “cat.”

The only reason I know how to spell it is because Microsoft Word didn’t give it the red underline.

The only reason I know that cats even exist is from cat videos on Facebook.

Which means, it was never the cat at all… it was me the whole time.

What a twist!

But wait a minute… that means…

I was the one attacking my own fingers.

I wasn’t petting a cat, I was petting myself

I was the one spending hours chasing the cursor.

I’m the one named Wright Catterson!

IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!

And I was making excuses instead of doing what I needed to do to get what I want!

Oh man, what a waste of three months.

…And I blamed it all on that stupid cat that I made up…

That means I have reframe this with some new self-talk:

“What do I want?

What does it look like?

What am I telling myself that’s stopping me?

How is it stopping me?

What’s something new I can do?

What’s 1 action I can take to move me closer to what I want?

Now go do it, Wright Catterson!”

Do the same thing when you have a “cat” on your lap.

Because excuses don’t exist.

…And neither does my cat.

 

Enough Fighting! The Solution: Start From Common Ground

It seems like nowadays, there’s constant conflict with no end in sight between groups with opposing ideologies. “I’m right, you’re wrong” conversations based on judgment have overshadowed actual conversations focused on solutions, and enough is enough!
Instead of telling all of you fierce Democratic debaters and Republican retaliators that you’re wrong for your behavior, I’m here to present a solution.
In order to get anything done, it’s important to begin from a common origin – common ground, if you will – and the common ground is an issue I think we can all agree on: ambrosia salads need to be banished.
Forgotten.
Exiled to the annals of history.
And then those annals need to be burned.
If you disagree, you’re what’s wrong with the world today.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for some reason, we all have a distant relative who decides it’s a great idea to bring a bowl of fruit, marshmallows, and some sort of creamy, disgusting, dairy-based mixture to keep the party going.
This is why you’re a distant relative, Aunt Patty!
Really, have you ever been to a holiday potluck and thought, “Thank god someone brought the ambrosia!”? You haven’t!
It’s one of those foods that’s there, but you only take one tiny scoop so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Then people act surprised when there’s so much left over, and they try to pawn it off on everyone else.
“Take some home! There’s so much left over!”
There’s a reason: it looks like the after photo of what happens in a garbage disposal!

First of all, the name sounds like a skin condition – “Stop scratching! You’re making your ambrosia worse!” – but is actually more arrogant in origin.
It references the food of the Greek gods.
Point me to the immortal being who orders the ambrosia, because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.
Your ass is banished from Mount Olympus!

Ambrosia salad is what you make when you’re broke and all you have left is Del Monte fruit cocktail, Cool Whip, marshmallows, and the pecans you found in the back of the cupboard from last year’s Thanksgiving.
If I were starving to death and you offered me ambrosia, I’d take a heaping spoonful of death.
How this dish keeps appearing on tables at holiday gatherings is beyond me.
When my mom makes sweet potatoes, people ask her to make it again the next year.
When someone makes ambrosia salad, people ask them to never come back:
“Maybe go spend next year with the other side of the family.”
But alas, they’re back, and with a fresh bowl of vomit, completely ignoring the explicit context clue that no one even touched their heaping bowl of why white people need to check themselves last year.
Yet, there they are.
“Guess what I broooooought! Everyone’s favorite!”
This needs to end.
Now.
Democrats!
Republicans!
Heed my words: ambrosia salads need banned, and that’s something you can all reach across the aisle about.
If President Trump tweeted his disdain for the dish, it would be his most liked and least controversial tweet EVER.

I’m not saying that banning ambrosia salad is going to unite all sides on all issues, but starting from common ground and working towards solving other, more controversial issues is much more productive than starting from dissenting points of view.
If we admit that we share a perspective with even our most fervent of detractors, the stereotypes that come to mind when we think of our rivals dissipate, and we see the human behind the label.
Unless the human likes ambrosia salad, in which case I hope they get struck by lightning. Twice for good measure. Because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.

Let Loss Propel You Forward

In our lives, we experience love and loss – it’s inevitable. What isn’t inevitable is the growth that can come from even the worst of times. It isn’t about suppressing our emotions when something unexpected happens, it’s about leaning into those emotions and using the momentum to find ways to learn and grow from the loss. I’ve recently experienced loss, and I thought I would share what I’ve had to go through to become a better person because of it.

My JBL Bluetooth speaker is gone.
It wasn’t by my choice, although I suppose my choices led up to the moment it was taken from me.
And now I can’t get over this feeling of loss…
Of despair…
Of regret…
Sure, I could’ve left it locked away in the trunk of my car, but a speaker with that depth of sound quality deserves to be free, to experience the world as it was meant to be experienced.
It deserved to left on top of my car to experience the feeling of wind, the warmth of the sun, the chill of the rain.
Something that beautiful should never be locked away.
You were small, but your sound… your sound was enough to fill a room.
And you played it all without question… because music was your life.
I want to hear you sing again.
To tell jokes again.
Hell, I want you to turn off on your own when I need you during a presentation again – you had a real habit of doing that.
But you can’t.
I just… I just want to feel your cylindrical  shape in my hand again.
I want to be in one end of my house with you in the other, singing away, making it feel like you’re right beside me.
I want to see “JBL Flip 2” appear on my list of Bluetooth options and know that my Macbook will connect to you since you’re within range.
You were unlike any Bluetooth speaker I had ever owned, because I had never owned another Bluetooth speaker.
You were the one – it wasn’t supposed to end like this.
But you were taken.
Stolen.
Who knows where you are now, or if you’ll even get this, but I miss you.
I stopped listening to music altogether.
When I hear other speakers, they just make me think about what we had, and I weep.
Dad says I’ll be okay.
He says you were “just a speaker.”
To some, sure.
But to me, you were more than “just a speaker.”
You were a part of my life.
And you know you never forget your first.
It’ll take time.
I’m not ready to get out there and try other speakers, so I just ordered a cheap Chinese replacement.
My mail order speaker should be arriving soon, but it won’t be the same.
I hope I’ll learn to listen again – and soon.
Listen, I know I’m better because of you and I should focus on that.
What you taught me in all of those audiobooks and podcasts… you’ve made me grow.
I learned so goddamn much from you, and for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
You’ll live on through me.
And together, with my new Chinese partner, our story will be told, and the world will be better because you were in it.

I’ll make sure of it.

2017 Lesson 2: Expand Your Horizons

2017 was an incredibly rewarding year. Why? I decided to go outside of my comfort zone on several occasions, and man am I glad I did. The one thing I did that really stretched me was a cross-country road trip from Cleveland to Boise and back. Driving cross-country was something I’ve always wanted to do, but never got around to because:
· “I don’t have the money”
· “I don’t have the time”
· “Where would I stay?”
· “I don’t know anyone”
· “I don’t know if my car can make it”
One day in March, I decided to say, “Fuck those fears. I’m doing this.” I reached out to several human resources associations, chambers of commerce, young professionals groups, leadership conferences, and nonprofits about speaking at upcoming events, not sure whether or not they’d throw my email in the SPAM folder or actually listen to what I had to say. Thankfully, out of the nearly 100 emails I sent, I got a few responses, but none of them could afford to cover my full travel expenses. Sure, I was offered a few hundred dollars, but driving over 4,000 miles was going to cost quite a bit of coin. Gas, lodging, tolls, and food on top of my usual bills without really getting a paycheck over two weeks was going to set me back financially, and though I was hesitant, I decided I would figure it out.

Holy shit am I glad I did.

Instead of focusing on why I wouldn’t be able to afford the time on the road, I shifted my focus to what I could do to make it happen and how rewarding of a trip it would be. I ended up booking three speaking engagements (Twin Falls, ID, Emmett, ID, and St. Louis, MO), none of whom could cover my expenses, but dammit I was going to get this done. As far as lodging, I ended up meeting some cool people online via CouchSurfing, a social networking community of people sharing their couches in exchange for meeting new people and hearing their stories – something I really value. My 2010 Honda Accord, Rachaeloaoeoioe (Pronounced “Rachel.” All of the extra vowels are silent), was exchanged for a brand new 2016 Accord, Schoaoeoioeron (Pronounced “Sharon.” Again, all of the extra vowels are silent), at only a small increase in my monthly car payment – definitely manageable. Now that I had destinations, knew where I was going to stay, with people I knew (through the internet), in a car I trusted not to explode on me, it was time to go.

I won’t bore you with the moment-by-moment details of the trip, but it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I:
· Met new people and made new friends in Iowa City, Boulder, Twin Falls, Boise, St. Louis, and Indianapolis.
· Learned all kinds of new things from someone who travels to Jordan to teach English as a second language, an opera singer who would rather be the roots of the tree than the leaves (a valuable lesson), a psychology major who left the comfort of her 9-5 to open a hostel and meet travelers from around the world, a financial planner focused on expanding his network and providing support to entrepreneurs and “gamechangers” in Boise, a teacher with a new perspective on how to look at problem students, and a dude who really loves craft beer.
· Meditated miles away from other humans beneath a sky filled with stars in the deafening silence of the mountains of Idaho, and had a serendipitous shooting star experience confirming to myself spiritually that I was in the right place at the right time.
· Witnessed an event so funny and out-of-the-ordinary, it immediately inspired me to write a comedy sketch about it, did, and ended up shooting and releasing it last month: https://youtu.be/T9iJ-yMaIBs
· Gained an appreciation for how infinite life and the universe is and how insignificant our problems really are while driving through the sheer vastness of the mountains, plains, and desert of Idaho, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Nebraska, and Kansas.
· Booked a fully paid presentation based off of my presentation in Twin Falls and ensured a second trip cross-country next May.

…All of this because I chose to expand my horizons. The next time I start feeling fear when it comes to doing something new and risky, I’ll always remember what I felt before taking this trip. Now, the fears seem so insignificant compared to what I gained from choosing to expand my horizons. Because I made that choice, I expanded myself as a person when it comes to confidence, spirituality, and emotional strength, in ways I couldn’t imagine beforehand.

What risks are you afraid of taking? Is there something you want to do this year that you’ve been hesitant about? Take it from me, it’s way more worth it to say, “Fuck those fears, I’m doing this,” and then focus on what you can do to make it happen instead of what’s stopping you from doing it.

2018 Prediction #2: There won’t be a Babe 3

Sorry, Babe fans, but it’s been 20 years since Babe: Pig in the City and the demand just isn’t there. Sure there are underground cults worshipping the first two films and hoping that one day a reboot will resurface, but that little pig just doesn’t have the drawing power of a Jurassic Park, Star Wars, or – oh, for fuck’s sake – ANOTHER TRANSFORMERS MOVIE!?
Anyway, I’d bet all of my bacon that Babe isn’t making the comeback we all hoped. Sorry to smoke your sausage.

Feedback? More Like Needback

Do you want to get better at what you do?

Of course you do!

We’re all wired to want to be better, but sometimes it’s hard to see beyond our current situations.

“I’m good where I am.”

“I’m fine doing this the way I have been.”

“I’m so friggin good, I can’t get any better.”

Oh, honey…

Listen, we’re all biased. We don’t always mean to be, but it can be difficult to get a different perspective on ourselves when we spend 24/7 looking through our own eyes. To get better, however, that new perspective is necessary… Maybe a few new perspectives.

When I write a script, I never submit it without asking someone else for their opinion on how I can make it better. This is the first time that person is seeing this script I’ve read over and over for the last week, so chances are, they’re going to see it differently.

That’s the key benefit of asking for feedback.

A common misconception of receiving feedback is that you have to do what the other person suggests. If multiple people who aren’t in contact with each other have the same ideas, that’s definitely a sign you should do something, but if one person says, “Cut this line,” I always make sure to take a step back and ask myself:

“Is keeping this line making my script better?”

“Is it true to the character?”

“Does it advance the action or positively contribute to a joke?”

Whether I choose to keep the line or not, I was able to see the script through new eyes, explore new possibilities, and build my self-awareness, which are all necessary steps to create personal growth.

No matter what you’re working on and no matter what the person offering feedback says, he or she has provided you with a new vantage point and, from there, you can access a new level of self-awareness.* You now have new options and can decide whether to get other opinions, use the feedback, or ignore the feedback, but either way, be grateful to the other person for helping you glimpse a fresh perspective and contribute to your growth.

*Although if they call you an asshole and to never talk again, you may want to reconsider who you get your feedback from.

The Secret to Learning to Work Together With Others

There are five types of people living among us on Planet Earth. Each has their own place in our culture and should be respected for their perspectives:

1. People who like Creed

2. People who like Creed, but don’t like some of their songs

3. People who don’t like Creed

4. People who don’t like Creed, but like some of their songs

5. People who have never heard of Creed

The world is large enough for each of our perspectives, so it’s okay that everyone has their own Creed preference. Because someone doesn’t share your perspective doesn’t mean they’re wrong because to them, their perspective is perfectly fine. Instead of attacking someone else’s point of view when you disagree with them, you have an option that can help you come to a consensus and actually work together:

Ask questions

Just because someone blindly loves Creed doesn’t mean that’s the full story. There’s more to life than what we see on the surface – there’s more to the story than that. There has to be a reason why: upbringing, life experience, or a friend of a friend did crack with Scott Stapp. We don’t know unless we ask questions instead of making judgments. We all have a reason for doing what we do, and no matter who we are, we’re doing it because we think it will bring us the results we want, and the results we want are always happiness. We strive after money, success, power, or to listen to “My Sacrifice” on repeat because we think it’ll make us happy. Here are some questions that can create a connection, and who knows, if you ask the right questions and find value in learning about the other person, it may inspire the other person to ask you questions too.

· What is it about Creed that you love so much?

· What kind of life-changing moments have you had while listening to Creed?

· How has listening to Creed improved your quality of life?

· What did your parents teach you about music that inspired your love for Creed?

· Are there other bands you listen to that inspire the same feelings as Creed?

After displaying a genuine interest in the other person’s Creed interest, you have proven that you’re not challenging their perspective, and it’s now a good time to introduce them to other music. We don’t know what we don’t know, but by asking questions we can learn and grow our understanding of others. When you leave your arms wide open to other people and imagine them as human clay that can be inspired to mold themselves with the right prompting, the feeling can take you higher.


David Horning

http://www.davidhorningcomedy.com
http://www.tumblr.com/blog/horningcomedy
http://www.twitter.com/THEdavidhorning

A Weekend State of Mind

TGIF, am I right?

There are 52 weekends in a year, which means there are 104 weekend days. Each week, many people wake up on Friday, anticipating the “freedom” and fun a couple of days off may bring, and go to sleep Sunday, dreading going to work the next five days. That means 261 days a year (including holidays and 1 week of vacation: around 240) are devoted to looking forward to the other 125 or so. To me, this sounds back-ass-wards: why does it make any sense to spend 2/3 of your already way-too-short life focusing on the other 1/3? Remember that scene in Jumanji where elephants and rhinos charge down main street, crushing everything in their path? What if you were in that car that got smashed? You never know when an elephant is going to crush you while you sit at a red light, so my recommendation is to live each moment like it is the weekend. Now don’t go out and start doing shots of Fireball – I don’t mean party like it’s the weekend, I mean carry a weekend state of mind:

  • No matter what day of the week, find something to look forward to each day, whether it’s learning something new in a meeting, building a relationship with a coworker or client, or taking steps closer to achieving a goal.
  • Be in the present moment, not worrying, stressing, or dreading about the endless stack of work in your inbox. When you’re enjoying a game night with friends on Friday, or you’re reuniting with college friends on Saturday, chances are, you’re not worrying about work on Monday. Set weekly and daily goals that engage you and work on completing them, one task at a time. The closer you get to completing them, your brain releases dopamine, the same feel-good reward chemical you get when you’re laughing with your friends at karaoke night.
  • Reward yourself with each goal you complete during the workday.
  • Rephrase “I have to go to work” to “I get to go to work.” This minor change will evoke completely different imagined scenarios in your head. Not everyone has the chance to get a paycheck every week, so keep your eyes peeled for opportunities to be grateful as you move through each day at the office, and take a moment to yourself to let how incredibly lucky you are sink in.
  • Create themed days at the office that break up the routine and keep things fresh. Here are a few ideas:
    • Memorable Meeting Monday: The purpose of this half-hour meeting isn’t to talk about work, it’s to do a short, off-the-cuff table topics exercise so you can learn more about your coworkers with randomly selected prompts from a “topic master.” “Tell us about your most recent vacation or a vacation you’re looking forward to going on,” “What’s a memorable family tradition you have for (insert upcoming holiday here)?” “If you could have any superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it?”
    • Taco Tuesday. Duh.
    • Winning Wednesday: The most important aspect of our workday is the people with whom we work. Go out of your way to have at least six positive interactions with coworkers: learn something new about someone, compliment someone on their attitude, work, or appearance, use any spare time to work together with someone and help them to complete a task they’ve been struggling with, do a small kind deed for someone like getting an extra cup of coffee, offering to make copies for them, or buy someone’s lunch. Make sure you do these on your own, without waiting for someone to ask you. (Also, chances are, Whiskey Wednesday isn’t going to fly with HR).
    • Thankful Thursday: Have a gratitude board where everyone can see it, and write down at least one thing you’re grateful for, not necessarily about work. Also, go out of your way to call a client, write an email to a coworker, or tell them in person why you’re grateful for them and what they do.
    • Each Friday, have a different themed dress-up or dress-down day. From onesies, to cowboys, to the roaring 20s; get creative. At the end of each Friday, get together as a team to celebrate each other’s accomplishments and set goals for the upcoming week.

Only looking forward to around 125 days a year seems absurd and self-defeatist to me. When I was in school, I found myself moping around at the thought of having to go back the next day, and I missed out on opportunities to enjoy the experience. Since then, I’ve carried a weekend state of mind, no matter how many cold emails I have to draft, presentation proposals I have to draft, and videos I have to edit. Any and every experience can be fulfilling and fun, and if you’re going to spend 40 hours somewhere, you might as well create that in every moment. However, if you’re looking forward to the future, you’re missing out on the present, and robbing yourself of the opportunity to be engaged and enjoy the moment you’re in.

 

My Ultra-Super Realistic New Years’ Resolutions

Every New Year comes and goes with resolutions that go un-resolved, so this year, I’m making a concentrated effort to achieve some goals I have had for a long time. In order to hold myself accountable, I’m posting them on here so, at the end of the year, I can see how far I’ve come and so can you. Let’s start with the most realistic:

  1. Become President

A lot of crazy stuff happened in 2015, so I found myself saying, “That wouldn’t happen if I were president.” For example:

  • They found water on Mars. Earth is 75% water, why do we need to go all the way to Mars?
  • Bill Cosby came out with a new show where he sexually assaults a few dozen women. Ugh. Does everything have to be about either sex or violence anymore? Go back to playing the loving dad and pushing pudding products the whole family can enjoy.
  • People got really mad about the plain red cup at Starbucks but no one got mad about Toby Keith’s song about red cups. As president, double standards will become a thing of the past.
  • Why are we talking about ISIS when we could be talking about Ariana Grande licking donuts and saying “I hate America.” No one will hate America when I’m president!
  • When I typed “top news stories of 2015” into Google, the number 13 result was “top 10 penis stories of 2015.” People are searching for that? Not with me as president! They’ll be searching for “top 10 president David Horning stories of 2016,” but there will only be one: “President David Horning creates world peace.”

2016 will be the year in which David Horning becomes the 45th president of the United States and put the “us” back in USA.

*Note: after posting it has come to my attention that the president has to be 35. So I would like to announce my New Years’ Resolution to become president in the year 2024.

       2. Lose weight

I’m so self-conscious about my body in front of babies, so my goal is to get back to the weight I was born to be by the time summer rolls around: eight pounds and one ounce. I want to walk into the baby pool area and have all of the jealous toddlers ask me, “How’d you do it?” so I can respond, “It’s a secret formula.” (Hint: it’s formula)

3. Invest in Property and Make a Passive Income

The other day while I was driving, I passed a tree farm and got to thinking, “I could make a killing off of that.” This year, I’m going to take all of the money in my savings and make an investment that is going to pay dividends for years to come: I’m going to buy a forest and put a tree farm sign in front of it. Just bring your own chainsaw (or axe, if that’s what you prefer), pick out the tree you want, and put the money in the lockbox at the entrance. I’ll be drinking 21 year-old scotch while wearing a smoking jacket in my study in no time.

4. Read more

Do you know how many books there are in the universe? I only own about 200 books and I’ve read almost all of them, but if I want to read every book, I’ll probably have to read about 1,000 a day. I’m going to take a speed reading class and sit at the library for 24 hours reading until I know everything there is to know about the universe; ours and the Star Wars one. That way I can:

5. Win at Jeopardy

Alex Trebek will be left speechless as I waltz my eight pound self out of that studio with the biggest payout ever given. Survey says: this guy wants to be a millionaire and can come on down to buy all the vowels he wants.

6. Have a torrid affair with Kate Upton

Do you know what happens when you win at Jeopardy? You get models. Role models, Model Ts, and, most importantly, supermodels. Every time Kate Upton posts a photo on Instagram, I know she’s looking directly at me saying, “David, all you have to do is win Jeopardy and we can make sweet love all over the midwestern United States.” I’m really good at reading subliminal messages in Instagram posts. Just wait until she sees my post diet bod.

7. Travel the midwestern United States

You know what you don’t hear about very much? Davenport, Iowa; the first stop on my tour of the midwest with my beautiful supermodel girlfriend Kate Upton by my side. As we sit on the banks of the mighty Mississippi, sipping on whiskey and watching the bald eagles mate, she’ll turn to me and ask for my hand in marriage, because she’s, “Always wanted to marry a future president.” Sensing her ulterior motives, I’ll decline and toss her into the river where I’ll:

8. Save Kate Upton from drowning

9. Marry Oprah

Oprah loves books, right? Then who better to marry than the guy who has read every one of them? She’ll hear about my bravery in saving a drowning Kate Upton and be smitten with me as soon as she feels my baby body against hers. Love at first sight. Our wedding will be set atop Mount Rushmore where President Obama delivers the sermon; the first time a sitting president has presided over the wedding of a future president. My 2016 story will be one for the ages, that is, until 2024, when I become president.

10. Get over my fear of spiders

Because gross.

What are your resolutions?