I Was Going to Post to My Blog, But…

…There’s a cat on my lap, and when there’s a cat on my lap, nothing gets done.

It’s not that like the cat pins me down and forbids me from typing, I just choose not to work when there’s a cat on my lap.

Then I blame it on the cat.

It’s definitely the cat’s fault that I didn’t type my 1,000 words today.

It’s not like I can type over him.

Every time I try to type, he attacks my fingers.

I’ve had to delete and re-type this line seven times for that reason.

There’s nothing I can do about this cat on my lap.

This is all on the cat.

I couldn’t go to the comedy show because of the cat.

I know I said I was going to come, and I know you were counting on me to perform, but when I sat down for seven seconds to check my email on my way out the door, guess what happened?

Cat. Lap.

And you can’t stand when there’s a cat on your lap because he needs to be pet.

Calm down! I know I ruined your show, and I’m sorry

I get that you’re mad. – I’d be mad too – but you didn’t have a cat on your lap.

If you did, that means you’d probably be at my house, which means you wouldn’t have gone to the show either, which means you have no room to talk.

And I couldn’t even answer the emails anyway!

There was a cat on my lap.

The cat found the cursor on my computer screen and I discovered that I’m distracted by cats chasing computer cursors.

I know there was a deadline, but I have a disease where I physically cannot focus on sending emails when there’s a cat on my lap.

It isn’t diagnosed.

I don’t have a doctor’s note.

Because I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office, since there was a cat on my lap, but that proves that it’s a real thing.

And it’s why I’m just now sending a time-sensitive email, three days too late.

Again, not my fault.

Blame Wright Catterson.

That’s not my cat’s name.

Or maybe it is.

I never asked.

I just gave him an arbitrary name without asking him what his actual name is.

I’ve actually been wanting to adopt a cat for forever because I have an overwhelming mice infestation, but I never got around to it.

There was a cat on my lap.

When there’s a cat on your lap, it makes it hard to adopt a cat in the first place.

Especially a cat who would rather chase a computer mouse instead of actual mice.

YOU try to get a cat when there’s a cat on your lap being hilarious.

You can’t, so as a result, you get mice.

This is how the world works when you have a cat on your lap.

Wait a minute…

If I need to get a cat, then how is there even a cat on my lap in the first place?

There is no cat.

…I don’t have a cat.

I’ve never even owned a cat.

I’m not even sure how to pronounce “cat.”

The only reason I know how to spell it is because Microsoft Word didn’t give it the red underline.

The only reason I know that cats even exist is from cat videos on Facebook.

Which means, it was never the cat at all… it was me the whole time.

What a twist!

But wait a minute… that means…

I was the one attacking my own fingers.

I wasn’t petting a cat, I was petting myself

I was the one spending hours chasing the cursor.

I’m the one named Wright Catterson!

IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!

And I was making excuses instead of doing what I needed to do to get what I want!

Oh man, what a waste of three months.

…And I blamed it all on that stupid cat that I made up…

That means I have reframe this with some new self-talk:

“What do I want?

What does it look like?

What am I telling myself that’s stopping me?

How is it stopping me?

What’s something new I can do?

What’s 1 action I can take to move me closer to what I want?

Now go do it, Wright Catterson!”

Do the same thing when you have a “cat” on your lap.

Because excuses don’t exist.

…And neither does my cat.

 

Enough Fighting! The Solution: Start From Common Ground

It seems like nowadays, there’s constant conflict with no end in sight between groups with opposing ideologies. “I’m right, you’re wrong” conversations based on judgment have overshadowed actual conversations focused on solutions, and enough is enough!
Instead of telling all of you fierce Democratic debaters and Republican retaliators that you’re wrong for your behavior, I’m here to present a solution.
In order to get anything done, it’s important to begin from a common origin – common ground, if you will – and the common ground is an issue I think we can all agree on: ambrosia salads need to be banished.
Forgotten.
Exiled to the annals of history.
And then those annals need to be burned.
If you disagree, you’re what’s wrong with the world today.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and for some reason, we all have a distant relative who decides it’s a great idea to bring a bowl of fruit, marshmallows, and some sort of creamy, disgusting, dairy-based mixture to keep the party going.
This is why you’re a distant relative, Aunt Patty!
Really, have you ever been to a holiday potluck and thought, “Thank god someone brought the ambrosia!”? You haven’t!
It’s one of those foods that’s there, but you only take one tiny scoop so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Then people act surprised when there’s so much left over, and they try to pawn it off on everyone else.
“Take some home! There’s so much left over!”
There’s a reason: it looks like the after photo of what happens in a garbage disposal!

First of all, the name sounds like a skin condition – “Stop scratching! You’re making your ambrosia worse!” – but is actually more arrogant in origin.
It references the food of the Greek gods.
Point me to the immortal being who orders the ambrosia, because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.
Your ass is banished from Mount Olympus!

Ambrosia salad is what you make when you’re broke and all you have left is Del Monte fruit cocktail, Cool Whip, marshmallows, and the pecans you found in the back of the cupboard from last year’s Thanksgiving.
If I were starving to death and you offered me ambrosia, I’d take a heaping spoonful of death.
How this dish keeps appearing on tables at holiday gatherings is beyond me.
When my mom makes sweet potatoes, people ask her to make it again the next year.
When someone makes ambrosia salad, people ask them to never come back:
“Maybe go spend next year with the other side of the family.”
But alas, they’re back, and with a fresh bowl of vomit, completely ignoring the explicit context clue that no one even touched their heaping bowl of why white people need to check themselves last year.
Yet, there they are.
“Guess what I broooooought! Everyone’s favorite!”
This needs to end.
Now.
Democrats!
Republicans!
Heed my words: ambrosia salads need banned, and that’s something you can all reach across the aisle about.
If President Trump tweeted his disdain for the dish, it would be his most liked and least controversial tweet EVER.

I’m not saying that banning ambrosia salad is going to unite all sides on all issues, but starting from common ground and working towards solving other, more controversial issues is much more productive than starting from dissenting points of view.
If we admit that we share a perspective with even our most fervent of detractors, the stereotypes that come to mind when we think of our rivals dissipate, and we see the human behind the label.
Unless the human likes ambrosia salad, in which case I hope they get struck by lightning. Twice for good measure. Because Zeus ain’t standing for that shit.

Let Loss Propel You Forward

In our lives, we experience love and loss – it’s inevitable. What isn’t inevitable is the growth that can come from even the worst of times. It isn’t about suppressing our emotions when something unexpected happens, it’s about leaning into those emotions and using the momentum to find ways to learn and grow from the loss. I’ve recently experienced loss, and I thought I would share what I’ve had to go through to become a better person because of it.

My JBL Bluetooth speaker is gone.
It wasn’t by my choice, although I suppose my choices led up to the moment it was taken from me.
And now I can’t get over this feeling of loss…
Of despair…
Of regret…
Sure, I could’ve left it locked away in the trunk of my car, but a speaker with that depth of sound quality deserves to be free, to experience the world as it was meant to be experienced.
It deserved to left on top of my car to experience the feeling of wind, the warmth of the sun, the chill of the rain.
Something that beautiful should never be locked away.
You were small, but your sound… your sound was enough to fill a room.
And you played it all without question… because music was your life.
I want to hear you sing again.
To tell jokes again.
Hell, I want you to turn off on your own when I need you during a presentation again – you had a real habit of doing that.
But you can’t.
I just… I just want to feel your cylindrical  shape in my hand again.
I want to be in one end of my house with you in the other, singing away, making it feel like you’re right beside me.
I want to see “JBL Flip 2” appear on my list of Bluetooth options and know that my Macbook will connect to you since you’re within range.
You were unlike any Bluetooth speaker I had ever owned, because I had never owned another Bluetooth speaker.
You were the one – it wasn’t supposed to end like this.
But you were taken.
Stolen.
Who knows where you are now, or if you’ll even get this, but I miss you.
I stopped listening to music altogether.
When I hear other speakers, they just make me think about what we had, and I weep.
Dad says I’ll be okay.
He says you were “just a speaker.”
To some, sure.
But to me, you were more than “just a speaker.”
You were a part of my life.
And you know you never forget your first.
It’ll take time.
I’m not ready to get out there and try other speakers, so I just ordered a cheap Chinese replacement.
My mail order speaker should be arriving soon, but it won’t be the same.
I hope I’ll learn to listen again – and soon.
Listen, I know I’m better because of you and I should focus on that.
What you taught me in all of those audiobooks and podcasts… you’ve made me grow.
I learned so goddamn much from you, and for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
You’ll live on through me.
And together, with my new Chinese partner, our story will be told, and the world will be better because you were in it.

I’ll make sure of it.

Creating Trumps Complaining

Guess what!?

I just got a new Macbook Pro, and boy oh boy does it feel like I’m holding the future in my hands. I mean, it’s half the size of my old computer, twice as fast, and it has Siri!!! I can finally talk to my computer! Goodbye online dating, hello Abigail!

That’s what I named her. And yes, it’s a she.

But I didn’t come on here to brag about my sexy new computer (rawr).

I came to complain about my clunky old computer, Tabitha (booooo).

I got Tabitha for Christmas in 2011, and for a nearly six-year-old Macbook, which is like 80 in people years. Up until lately, Tabitha has served me well, but all good things must come to an end.

For example, at a presentation to for an HR group in Jersey City, Tabitha decided to just flat out not work. I set everything up as usual, was geared up to start my presentation, and when I hit “begin slideshow” in PowerPoint, Tabitha thought it would be fun to play with a beachball (if you have a PC, it would’ve been an hourglass). That’s right. No matter what buttons I pressed, she simply refused to work and I was forced to give my presentation without any of the visual aids that I depend on to communicate each point to the audience.

A couple of weeks ago, I was putting together a last minute presentation with ten new slides, and PowerPoint crashed just before I saved the changes. This was at about 2 AM and I was slated to speak at 8. Want to know what stress feels like? Have you ever wanted to burn your own house down just to destroy your computer? No? Cool, because that thought ran through my mind, and I wouldn’t recommend it on a list of “Top 5 things to do on a first date.” I rebooted, begrudgingly redid the presentation until almost 6 AM, and gave the talk, but man was I wiped out.

Last week, I gave a customized, one-time-only talk to a library staff and, learning from my mistake of not saving frequently on the last presentation, I made sure to save with the frequency of a heartbeat. That is, until I got cocky working on the last slide. If you’ve ever seen one of my slideshows, you know I use eccentric animations, downloaded fonts, and detailed photoshopping. This final slide was the most detailed and active slide of the entire presentation, and took an hour to finish. “This is it!” I thought as I clicked the “Save” icon. I leaned back in my chair watching the beach ball appear on my screen, but it never went away. “Did it register that I saved?” I began to panic. I hit the command, option, escape keys in sequence to force PowerPoint to close, but nothing happened. In fact, the beach ball stopped spinning altogether, so I was forced to resort to drastic measures and turn my computer off completely. After rebooting, Tabitha answered my earlier question: it did not register that I had saved. I had 3 hours to get to the presentation located 2 hours away, so I had to do away with that slide and cut a five-minute bit out of my talk.

Each time Tabitha failed me, in the moment, I wanted to destroy her. I wanted to take her charred remains to Apple headquarters and scream, “Look what you made me do!!!” but I didn’t. After some deep breathing and meditation, I rerouted my thought process to, “What do I want to happen and what can I do to make that happen?” I didn’t scream and curse at Tabitha, demanding she work how I wanted her to work. I didn’t tweet and complain on social media, trying to get other people with computer problems to take my side. I didn’t hold a protest outside of the nearest Apple Store. All I did was ask myself “How can I take control of my results here?” and took action.

Now let’s talk about Donald Trump.

Well that took a turn.

Trump is a president whose leadership style runs contrary to everything I study, believe, and speak about. Though I don’t support his behavior, I still want him to be a successful president and make the world a better place, so I choose not to get frustrated every time he does something. Today, I noticed that congressional Democrats are working to impeach him, every day my social media is riddled with posts denouncing basically everything he does, and the media, from news commentators, to other politicians, to comedians are ridiculing his every move. Now imagine Trump as Tabitha, my old computer. If, instead of getting a new computer, I spent my time and energy shitting on my old one because she wasn’t behaving how I wanted her to behave, would I be working for or against my own interests?

But this isn’t just about Trump…

This is about Congress, your state and local leaders, the leadership at your company or organization, and even family members. If they aren’t taking the actions and producing the results you want, figure out how you can take those actions and produce those results yourself. You can’t expect to destroy your old computer and have that be the solution to the problem without getting a newer and better one. I agree, it feels great to take your anger out, but how much better will it feel when you take positive action to make a difference? The Republicans’ strategy from 2009-2017 was to actively work against Obama, but did that help them achieve their goals and make the world a better place? Their destructive take on political strategy has led to little creation and even more division. Now the Democrats are making the same mistake, and following the examples set by our leaders, so are many people across the country.

Instead of complaining, start creating.

For example, if you’re pissed that Trump is rolling back environmental regulations, find a way to make an impact at your company or in your community by working together with other people who believe in your cause to ensure you live and work in a clean environment. Get a job with an organization focused on creating a cleaner, greener world. Complaining and trashing your old computer isn’t going to get you a new one, but figuring out how to get a new one, then going out and doing it is. Ask yourself:

“What can I do to make the world, my community, my company, or my home a better place?” and instead of focusing on destroying the old way, make a list of actions you can take, and create something new and better. Change always begins with the people, but if we’re so focused on destroying our old computer, how can we expect to come together to get a new one?

The Secret to Learning to Work Together With Others

There are five types of people living among us on Planet Earth. Each has their own place in our culture and should be respected for their perspectives:

1. People who like Creed

2. People who like Creed, but don’t like some of their songs

3. People who don’t like Creed

4. People who don’t like Creed, but like some of their songs

5. People who have never heard of Creed

The world is large enough for each of our perspectives, so it’s okay that everyone has their own Creed preference. Because someone doesn’t share your perspective doesn’t mean they’re wrong because to them, their perspective is perfectly fine. Instead of attacking someone else’s point of view when you disagree with them, you have an option that can help you come to a consensus and actually work together:

Ask questions

Just because someone blindly loves Creed doesn’t mean that’s the full story. There’s more to life than what we see on the surface – there’s more to the story than that. There has to be a reason why: upbringing, life experience, or a friend of a friend did crack with Scott Stapp. We don’t know unless we ask questions instead of making judgments. We all have a reason for doing what we do, and no matter who we are, we’re doing it because we think it will bring us the results we want, and the results we want are always happiness. We strive after money, success, power, or to listen to “My Sacrifice” on repeat because we think it’ll make us happy. Here are some questions that can create a connection, and who knows, if you ask the right questions and find value in learning about the other person, it may inspire the other person to ask you questions too.

· What is it about Creed that you love so much?

· What kind of life-changing moments have you had while listening to Creed?

· How has listening to Creed improved your quality of life?

· What did your parents teach you about music that inspired your love for Creed?

· Are there other bands you listen to that inspire the same feelings as Creed?

After displaying a genuine interest in the other person’s Creed interest, you have proven that you’re not challenging their perspective, and it’s now a good time to introduce them to other music. We don’t know what we don’t know, but by asking questions we can learn and grow our understanding of others. When you leave your arms wide open to other people and imagine them as human clay that can be inspired to mold themselves with the right prompting, the feeling can take you higher.


David Horning

http://www.davidhorningcomedy.com
http://www.tumblr.com/blog/horningcomedy
http://www.twitter.com/THEdavidhorning

A Piece on Peace: The Gun, the Horn, and Bacon Hands

In this week’s blog, I wanted to take the opportunity to present some alternative perspectives on violence and some ideas on how we can create solutions focused on peace. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we were coming up with the right solutions, I would be writing about how to make delicious bourbon braised pork and the news would be filled with more stories about skateboarding bulldogs.

I’m not, and there are no bulldogs to be found, so that means it’s time to at least consider some new ways of thinking.

Solutions and change begin with different perspective. I wrote some humorous shorts accompanied by solution-oriented ways to think about problems. A maintained focus on problems eventually creates more problems while maintained focus on solutions can only create solutions. I use humor and my own observations, which are based on a combination of human history and our psychological tendencies, to break up problem-oriented thinking and replace it with solution-oriented thinking. I hope you enjoy and I would love to hear your thoughts on my ideas and how we can use them to promote peace on this planet we’ve been gifted. – David

(The following are excerpts taken from an article found on Upworthy)

Portland Pacifist Promotes Peace With Pistol

There have been more mass shootings in the United States so far this year than there have been days. Many people would consider this a problem, but a Portland inventor sees this as an opportunity for a solution.

Paul (who refuses to use a last name to identify himself) is a self-proclaimed pacifist and who has come up with a concept that, he believes, will solve the problem of gun violence; it’s called the Fun Gun, and he’s working on getting a patent.

“Essentially, when someone pulls a gun on you, you pull out the Fun Gun, aim it at them, and fire,” explained Paul.

“The subsequent explosion of confetti, flower petals, and little pieces of paper with hilarious improv suggestions will disarm your attacker and initiate a laugh-filled opportunity to make a new friend. As soon as they see the Fun Gun pointed at them, chances are, they’re going to shoot you a smile, put their own gun down, and join you in a joyful jaunt at the ATM. Everyone wins!”

“Hold up the hold up with the Fun Gun”

The Traffic Tantrum of the Pacifist Isn’t Much of a Tantrum at All

Weapons aren’t the only peace-promoting invention up Paul’s sleeve. According to him, he recently invented a horn that shouts, “Good try, but I know you’re a better driver than that; drive safely!” rather than the honk we’ve become accustomed to.

“The normal horn sounds so aggressive, so I went with something more conducive to safety and friendship,” offered Paul with a smile on his face.

“I call it the Helpful Honker because it offers a positive suggestion, rather than criticizing someone else’s mistakes. I want other people to hear ‘Hey, you have opportunity to grow as a driver,’ rather than ruin their day with the car version of ‘F YOU!’ When someone pulled out in front of me today, I honked my horn, and for the next five minutes I drove behind them, they didn’t pull out in front of anyone else. It really works!”

As Paul likes to say, “Stop Going Bonkers and Get Some Helpful Honkers!”

The Helpful Honker should be on store shelves by this time next year.

What’s the Point?

Most people in the world aren’t violent, but if we respond with violence to the few who try to violently exert themselves, we can only be met by resistance, or more violence. This law has constantly repeated itself throughout history. Violence cannot be solved with violence. Debt cannot be solved by spending money and creating more debt. Fire cannot be extinguished by more fire, no matter how much less fiery it is. So what will happen if we try to solve gun violence with more guns?

When we tell someone they’re wrong or that they shouldn’t behave a certain way, they focus on the negative, start to feel negatively, and then tend to search for and focus on all of the other negatives they can think of. We’re resisting them, which drives them to resist our resistance, and no one wins. We’re much better off complimenting someone on what they’re doing well, offering improvement suggestions like “Drive safely,” and giving them words of encouragement that can work to inspire them.  Instead of focusing on what they’re doing incorrectly, we subconsciously prompt them to focus on the opportunity to improve, which lifts their spirits, offers them a different perspective of themselves, and shows them they have some external support.

 

Bacon > Violence

When I was six, I wanted pistol-hands, but didn’t think about the consequences. If you’re thinking about replacing your hands with guns, consider replacing them with something completely different: bacon hands. Gun hands unintentionally turn handshakes into holdups. Bacon hands, on the other bacon hand, turn handshakes into friendships (and milkshakes into deliciousness).

Screen Shot 2015-12-02 at 5.10.24 PM

Why don’t we teach people that when they think a thought like, “Other people make me so angry! I want to shoot someone!” it isn’t very positive? Why don’t we teach people that we can rebut violent thoughts by simply interrupting and changing our thought patterns? “How else can I view the situation in a way that makes me and other people feel happy?” 0r “Bacon is delicious,” are more conducive to solution-seeking than, “I hate the lifestyle of these people and they need to die!” This way of thinking is focused on the problem (the fact that this person hates something about others), and can only create more problems.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never heard of a bacon-related mass shooting. If everyone shared bacon (or something else that promotes goodwill), I can guarantee fewer mass shootings and more mass huggings. What if we learned to use our thoughts to grow ourselves and contribute to the world? Our thoughts either work for or against us. If we learn to trace negative feelings back to thoughts, we’ll quickly understand how our thoughts work against us. If we examine these thoughts, explore thoughts that make us, and others, feel better, and think those thoughts, we can replace negative action with action that is more conducive to the well-being of ourselves and our world. Chances are, murderers aren’t thinking, “I want to bring joy to the lives of others today.” If we learn to replace constricting thoughts with thoughts that expand ourselves and others, we realize the level of control we have over our existence and can then experience the freedom of self; one of the most fulfilling joys of all… other than bacon hands.

In closing, some (definitely not fake) motivational quotes:

“He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason is weak. Either that or the music is way too loud and he should turn it down so you can hear what he’s saying.” – Michel de Montaigne

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind… Unless we’re referring to eye transplants, which can make blind people see. Are eye transplants a thing yet? If not, I need to invent them before I die from an abdominal aortic aneurysm.” – Albert Einstein the day before he died