…There’s a cat on my lap, and when there’s a cat on my lap, nothing gets done.
It’s not that like the cat pins me down and forbids me from typing, I just choose not to work when there’s a cat on my lap.
Then I blame it on the cat.
It’s definitely the cat’s fault that I didn’t type my 1,000 words today.
It’s not like I can type over him.
Every time I try to type, he attacks my fingers.
I’ve had to delete and re-type this line seven times for that reason.
There’s nothing I can do about this cat on my lap.
This is all on the cat.
I couldn’t go to the comedy show because of the cat.
I know I said I was going to come, and I know you were counting on me to perform, but when I sat down for seven seconds to check my email on my way out the door, guess what happened?
And you can’t stand when there’s a cat on your lap because he needs to be pet.
Calm down! I know I ruined your show, and I’m sorry
I get that you’re mad. – I’d be mad too – but you didn’t have a cat on your lap.
If you did, that means you’d probably be at my house, which means you wouldn’t have gone to the show either, which means you have no room to talk.
And I couldn’t even answer the emails anyway!
There was a cat on my lap.
The cat found the cursor on my computer screen and I discovered that I’m distracted by cats chasing computer cursors.
I know there was a deadline, but I have a disease where I physically cannot focus on sending emails when there’s a cat on my lap.
It isn’t diagnosed.
I don’t have a doctor’s note.
Because I couldn’t get to the doctor’s office, since there was a cat on my lap, but that proves that it’s a real thing.
And it’s why I’m just now sending a time-sensitive email, three days too late.
Again, not my fault.
Blame Wright Catterson.
That’s not my cat’s name.
Or maybe it is.
I never asked.
I just gave him an arbitrary name without asking him what his actual name is.
I’ve actually been wanting to adopt a cat for forever because I have an overwhelming mice infestation, but I never got around to it.
There was a cat on my lap.
When there’s a cat on your lap, it makes it hard to adopt a cat in the first place.
Especially a cat who would rather chase a computer mouse instead of actual mice.
YOU try to get a cat when there’s a cat on your lap being hilarious.
You can’t, so as a result, you get mice.
This is how the world works when you have a cat on your lap.
Wait a minute…
If I need to get a cat, then how is there even a cat on my lap in the first place?
There is no cat.
…I don’t have a cat.
I’ve never even owned a cat.
I’m not even sure how to pronounce “cat.”
The only reason I know how to spell it is because Microsoft Word didn’t give it the red underline.
The only reason I know that cats even exist is from cat videos on Facebook.
Which means, it was never the cat at all… it was me the whole time.
What a twist!
But wait a minute… that means…
I was the one attacking my own fingers.
I wasn’t petting a cat, I was petting myself…
I was the one spending hours chasing the cursor.
I’m the one named Wright Catterson!
IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!
And I was making excuses instead of doing what I needed to do to get what I want!
Oh man, what a waste of three months.
…And I blamed it all on that stupid cat that I made up…
That means I have reframe this with some new self-talk:
“What do I want?
What does it look like?
What am I telling myself that’s stopping me?
How is it stopping me?
What’s something new I can do?
What’s 1 action I can take to move me closer to what I want?
Now go do it, Wright Catterson!”
Do the same thing when you have a “cat” on your lap.
Because excuses don’t exist.
…And neither does my cat.